I have very strong negative emotions about the topic and haven’t got the energy to properly write this draft, especially since English is not my language, still I thought it was important to share this rant, it takes courage and even if nobody reads I want to register this on my blog.
I had to block several polytheism blogs I already avoided, the feeling I had with their writing was always negative but the impact recently has been overwhelming and makes me feel horrible and I’m definitely not someone the authors of the articles would consider a good polytheist anyway.
It’s like going to church and listening to the priest talking about sinners who are unworthy of god until they repent and knowing you are one of them.
It worries me that polytheism writing makes me feel like this, unworthy, impure, gross and judged.
The truth is that it doesn’t matter how many cleansings and purifications I do because I will remain impure by their definitions, miasma doesn’t leave me, my thoughts are always unbalanced, by body and mind sick.
Some people can put things aside, I can’t, maybe they saw a movie, had a argument, read a book or got a cold, who knows? When it’s over, a purification ceremony done and it’s all good again, but what do we do when the illness is permanent, when the thoughts don’t leave, the dirty feeling and emotions of grossness stay, when a horrible story that leaves you unbalanced was not a movie or the news or a stranger story but your life and you don’t forget, because trauma, mental illness or chronic pain don’t leave and doesn’t care about purity, cleansings or whatever you do, there is no stop button because you want to pray or go to the shrine and be a good devotee.
So I do what I can, I keep my gods in my thoughts, do small acts of devotion, wash my hands and face when pain and depression lets me, pray in any way I can, improvise with what works and try to forget the opinions of others, no lightning struck me yet so as far as I know my gods are okay with this and ask that I don’t add distance and walls between us but reach closer, they can tell me what I need to know.