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Y. and His words.

My Brother words to me:

Don’t give up, I’m here for you, feel my presence, subtle as the moonlight, the comfort on your shoulder. The warmth of fire that will not burn and the sparkle of stars in scales.
I am your Brother, I will not leave you.
I care for you I will not abandon you.
– Y.

Fallow times.

I’m going through a painful fallow time brought upon a relapse on my mental health. A writer’s block has become a unwanted companion as well, I’m mostly on Tumblr where I can express myself more freely or with the reblog of other people’s words.
It’s been difficult to say the least, constant changes in medications and treatments left me more unbalanced.

This affected my relationships with my Gods and Spirits, making me feel shame of who I am, of how little I have to offer and how I lack qualities.

I wonder why did they chose me or accepted me, did they really?

I can’t imagine being loved or important to anyone, not by humans, less by Gods.

I love my Gods and it hurts.

I worry I will be abandoned or worse, it was never real.

Lately I doubt myself, about everything.

Yet I still remember my Stag King’s presence in my childhood, while my mind was saved by escaping far away, I remember my Brother, kind and fierce and protective, I remember meeting the Mother and behind all the authority I felt Her care and a warm heart who carries the weight of world on Her shoulders.

I remember Them and I will sustain that quiet devotion of keeping the love I feel for Them alive in my heart until I recover more of my health, this is what I have to offer and I hope it is accepted.

WK 1 – Mar. 2 – Knowledge, Wisdom and Gnosis

“- What do these words mean to you? How do express these principles in your spiritual work? Is any one more important than the other? Why?”

These three words represent important values of my spiritual life and what I seek, there are values “above” them but they all balance each other to work in harmony, just like those three also serve to keep each other balanced and working well.
 
I have always been someone who loved to seek knowledge but did my best to keep in mind how much is there to learn and how knowledge changes, grows and it’s organic, I believe remembering this is part of wisdom, wisdom is harder to look and obtain, more elusive, you may not possess much knowledge in what our society values yet be a truly wise person, for me with wisdom comes some modesty since there is so much to learn and so much we will never know, so many unexpected places to receive new lessons from and so much to love and teach, a wise person teaches by the way they are and not only the lessons they give, you cannot separate wisdom from the way one decides to live their life.
 
Gnosis is the most complicated, I don’t use the word in my practice but I use the concept.
 
I think the main use that I have given this exact word is when I used to write big disclaimers saying UPG in anything I thought about saying, even when the subject was obviously personal or was just on the area of knowledge and not gnosis.
 
What I mean by that last part is, for example, my god likes coffee, it’s personal knowledge not gnosis in my opinion, my relationship with the Powers, time and feelings we share, this for me is gnosis, but I’ll admit I don’t hold that division of categories in great importance.
 
I’ve always been interested in mysticism and deeper teachings and experiences, even as a child in my explorations, I had several experiences but no words for it, I actually think the more important events can’t be talked about because there are no words, they also happened at the most non-verbal times of my life, my type of autism gives me a strange mostly non-concious switch between my skills and the ability to communicate or think with words, especially when younger, events that I would now translate with linguistic limitations as teaching me a deep gnosis were very non-verbal and mystical.
(Disclaimer: My autism did not caused those experiences, it’s far more complex than this, wait for another post)
 
Maybe it’s like Duskenpath said, the language of the soul is not verbal http://duskenpath.tumblr.com/post/104705243992/the-language-of-the-soul.
I can’t even make magic verbally.
 
Gnosis is possibly the most important thing in my practice but it asks and gives no names about itself, it’s more lived than talked about, it’s something the Powers and universe share with me but it involves less or no words. Gnosis is also not only one thing but many, a conversation between me and the Divine and all the lessons within the multi layered messages.
 
For me anything else is wisdom and knowledge, even Divine or Sacred Knowledge or Wisdom, but not my definition of gnosis, I know this is not the most common definition but I was shaped by many events into thinking like this, this definition comes more from an unique view I built in my life than actual defined concepts by the dictionary.
 
I love knowledge, look for wisdom and hope to be blessed by gnosis on my journey.

Wk 4- Feb. 23- Depression, distrust, devotion, compassion, companionship, confidence.

This post is very personal and written more by free association to discuss a very important thing in my life, a mental health crisis that lead me to a crisis of faith in the middle of important and confusing changes in my spiritual life, please excuse any flaws in my unpolished writing.
I had this is in my drafts for a while and this week TPE helped to bring the courage to publish it, I had to change since it was written in the present self and now it’s on the past.

I have multiple mental illness and they are all resistant to treatment, I’m constantly changing medication, why is that important? Because those disabilities and changes affect me and my religion and the last one end up badly, my shrines were empty, I felt like a traitor, I felt betrayed and alone.

– Why are you not here?

I was mentally shouting, I asked for no healing or miracle or right medications, I asked for their presence, company.

– Are we not family? Didn’t you said you would stay by my side?

I felt abandoned and unworthy, mostly I blamed myself, I had left my depression turn me isolated and never prayed, never talked to Them or anyone else, never visited Them or their shrine, notions such as purification brought only shame which in turn made me avoid Them more, I was a failure as a devotee.
(Sshh, They were in my mind almost all day and night, my love for Them was still just as strong, my anger at Them was the same as the anger I felt for my parents and loved ones, the kind that is not serious and not really anger but fear in disguise, I kept looking for images of Them, kept the e-shrines, I never left Them behind and I’m sure I was once told my mind is capable of great devotion, I focus in what and who I love and treasure them deeply, They said it’s enough).

It wasn’t Their fault, all the anger turned to me when I notice how I disappointed Them. (Did I really? Never heard Them say that and I believe it, all the positivity can be screaming in my ears and I will throw away as self talk, funny how that works).

Suddenly I was looking to one of mine John O’Donohue books, looking for something originally for my mother and it opened in a page on the Prayer chapter, since I have a fascination with prayer, the book is on my List and I like the author so I decided to take a longer look:

From Eternal Echoes

A Blessing:

May you be blessed in the Holy Names of those who 
carry our pain up the mountain of transfiguration.
May you know tender shelter and healing blessing when 
you are called to stand in the place of pain.
May the places of darkness within you 
be turned towards the light.
May you be granted the wisdom to avoid false resistance 
and when suffering knocks on the door of your life,
May you be able to glimpse its hidden gift.
May you be able to see the fruits of suffering.
May memory bless and shelter you with the hard-earned
light of the past travail, may this 
give you confidence and trust.
May a window of light always surprise you.
May the grace of transfiguration heal your wounds.
May you know that even though the storm might rage
yet not a hair of your head will be harmed.

John O’Donohue – Eternal Echoes

I felt Their voices in that prayer.

This prayer hit me several times, it kept appearing and I avoided it’s meaning.

Suddenly I remembered being half asleep and They talked about/to me, I heard Mother’s voice and Their presence:

– Pela dor, ela vai agir, ela voltará para nós e acolheremos sua raiva.  (By pain, they will act, they will come back to us and we will welcome their anger.)

I felt good then, I feel good now, I also feel like a silly child and They were kindly laughing at me, and waiting with understanding.

There were other signs, other messages, it’s hard to see and feel when you are taken by despair. Most unbelievable of all was the pride They said recently They feel about me, while also expecting me to grow and do better my failures and considered just more attempts.

I have cleaned my shrines, they are full again, but the Powers are in my life with shrines or not.

They didn’t cause my pain but saw what I could take from it, They helped me endure it, from suffering there are fruits and They tried to show me but it was painful and denial is a strong emotion.

This was not the consequences of chosen shadow work or chaos of a possible step in a spiral of healing, it came suddenly and took me by surprise into a fog of sadness and I felt lost, I couldn’t and wouldn’t see any gain from it, and sometimes there isn’t, sometimes pain is just pain, or we don’t have what we need at the moment to learn but for me there was more in that pain, even if that more was hope and trust, to see the thorn from past trauma that took advantage of my medication changes and prolonged my pain, and to see that my past and disabilities never made me unworthy or unwanted, both the Powers and corporeal people in my life were there for me.

The Powers knew I would survive when I didn’t and They showed me when I run away, for that I am thankful and have Them in my life.

I still wish to get better from the worse part of the depression, this relapse felt like the worse in my depression from many years ago, I still fear going back there again, but I’m learning to cope better, I knew more this time than at my crisis as a teenager, I have hope now and I have grown.

I know some refuse to see any Power in that light and say religion is not therapy but I wanted to show that religion is a relationship between us and Them, that this is also possible and that this is one side of how our relationships can be, I also serve Them, make sacrifices and other things that are also part of relationships but with less explanations, more mystery and chalenges.

In the end, I am thankful.

Wk 3- Feb. 16- Deity and the Divine – G. The God with Antlers

I have three main Powers in my spiritual life, one is a Qilin that so far doesn’t appear to be named by lore, the other is Hsi Wang Mu, Queen Mother of the West. Those two are a group apart since They come from a different culture and I need to take great care to respect the living cultures that exist today and it’s people, it’s the least I can do for Powers who are so important in my life.

The third deity is a complex mysterious horned God, a man with stag antlers.
Who? I’m still not sure but had some glimpses into who He is.
He finds it all very amusing and while I love His sense of humor it can be very annoying sometimes, He only asks my patience and that I already gave Him.

I do have three main possibilities:
– Herne The Hunter
– Cernunnos
– An unnamed stag deity

There is also those two to take in consideration:
– They are all the same entity
– the first two are the same Power

I don’t trust those two ideas very much.

Obviously all of this has complications of their own if we are not sure where Horned Deities come from, who is who and who is not who.

In spite of all the doubts and mystery I believe He has been in my life a long time, when He suddenly show up my first feeling was -I know you.
(It all turned into an obsession with antlers later and before too probably, antlers everywhere)

I have memories of being a lonely child trying to escape an abusive home and school and going to nature and strange daydreams and tunnels that went through my garden into worlds beyond this. Child imagination? Perhaps, who knows really? About any of this?

For me that feels like happy and strange memories of a safe haven.

Now my current encounters are different, there is friendship and intimacy, I have much to learn about Him but I consider Him a friend and lover.

I never expected that to someone like me, not sure of what “like me” is supposed to mean here, but there are better and more capable actual spirit-workers out there, I’m not like them, not even close, I’m lost in my path, I have been a pagan since I was around 10 years old but all this time it was just searching and making mistakes, what happens to them doesn’t happen to me, right?

So, why me? What’s going on?
I don’t know, I am walking on a labyrinth without any idea where I’m going and this labyrinth has a sense of humor and irony.

Other problem is one of trust, go to most sites about this and two points of view you can most easily find is:
-Trust no one! They are after you. It’s all pain.
-It’s all love and light! Trust everyone.

Now I’m suspicious by nature, the light and love doesn’t work in my world view or life, my problem is more with the other view, I’m too paranoid for this already, how can I go on in my path like this? It makes me feel lost, afraid of everyone, everything and hopeless.

I like the balanced realistic view, They are people, not human but people, this is life, like people and life, there is good, bad, gray and everything else, work on your boundaries, have self-respect and limits, take risks too, you will fail, you will succeed, you can do everything right and get into problems, you can make mistakes and get it right or do nothing and never live, the Powers are not perfect, They are greater, powerful, wiser and all of that but not perfect and still people, maybe that’s a good thing for us.

The same counts for G., that’s why I took the risk, my instincts were telling me okay, my thoughts were telling me okay, so far I have no regrets.

He could have messed with my head, instincts, my feelings, heart or any combination above, They can do that, especially make you unable to see what you most need to be aware of when things are dangerous, but I’m being careful with my trust, He has to prove Himself to me and I think I have to prove myself to Him. We take our time.

He has watched and protected me and taught me, I don’t know for how long He has done this.

He appeared as a deer, a stag, a horned man covered in shadows, a younger man with antlers, as a half man half animal “monster”, I write monster but for me He was handsome and I have some of monster within myself, it was familiar and safe.

He scares me a little, I fear that spirit everyone warns about that will harm you and trick you.
One thing I don’t understand is why expecting Powers to always have interests is a proof of selfishness or distrust, I’m sorry to say but everyone is like that, the greater saint has their own inner motivations, this is nature, but apparently few think like that. I’m getting off topic, this is a subject for another post.

Both Y. the qilin who I know for longer and the Queen Mother of the West have not stopped this and They have rules about where can I go and Who can I deal with, I’m learning to trust and I’m learning to love, while still fighting the process on my way.

A is for Absence (Pagan Experience Project week 4)

I have been trying to grow during absence, this post helps to made many things clear to me.

For the original author thank you for your words.

The Road, the Walker, and What Comes Next

I haven’t given up on the Pagan Experience Project. I thought perhaps I would but I’ve been thinking about that A/B prompt for, uh, two weeks now and figured if I can’t shake the curiosity over the project then perhaps its worth continuing. It also took me two weeks to decide what to write about.

Radha Alone by Shyamarani Dasi. More information and purchase options here: http://bhaktiart.net/hp_wordpress/?dt_portfolio=radha-alone Radha Alone by Shyamarani Dasi. More information and purchase options here: http://bhaktiart.net/hp_wordpress/?dt_portfolio=radha-alone

Absence is definitely one of the most challenging feature of a life lived close to the gods and a frequent companion of people seeking Their attention. Typically, absence is an experience we seek to overcome; it’s an obstacle to the state of sacred communion that the devotee seeks to return to. Often, the experience of absence is taken as an indication that there’s something wrong. The practitioner’s affection is lacking, the practitioner has failed to fulfill some task that would bring on the…

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