I have three main Powers in my spiritual life, one is a Qilin that so far doesn’t appear to be named by lore, the other is Hsi Wang Mu, Queen Mother of the West. Those two are a group apart since They come from a different culture and I need to take great care to respect the living cultures that exist today and it’s people, it’s the least I can do for Powers who are so important in my life.
The third deity is a complex mysterious horned God, a man with stag antlers.
Who? I’m still not sure but had some glimpses into who He is.
He finds it all very amusing and while I love His sense of humor it can be very annoying sometimes, He only asks my patience and that I already gave Him.
I do have three main possibilities:
– Herne The Hunter
– An unnamed stag deity
There is also those two to take in consideration:
– They are all the same entity
– the first two are the same Power
I don’t trust those two ideas very much.
Obviously all of this has complications of their own if we are not sure where Horned Deities come from, who is who and who is not who.
In spite of all the doubts and mystery I believe He has been in my life a long time, when He suddenly show up my first feeling was -I know you.
(It all turned into an obsession with antlers later and before too probably, antlers everywhere)
I have memories of being a lonely child trying to escape an abusive home and school and going to nature and strange daydreams and tunnels that went through my garden into worlds beyond this. Child imagination? Perhaps, who knows really? About any of this?
For me that feels like happy and strange memories of a safe haven.
Now my current encounters are different, there is friendship and intimacy, I have much to learn about Him but I consider Him a friend and lover.
I never expected that to someone like me, not sure of what “like me” is supposed to mean here, but there are better and more capable actual spirit-workers out there, I’m not like them, not even close, I’m lost in my path, I have been a pagan since I was around 10 years old but all this time it was just searching and making mistakes, what happens to them doesn’t happen to me, right?
So, why me? What’s going on?
I don’t know, I am walking on a labyrinth without any idea where I’m going and this labyrinth has a sense of humor and irony.
Other problem is one of trust, go to most sites about this and two points of view you can most easily find is:
-Trust no one! They are after you. It’s all pain.
-It’s all love and light! Trust everyone.
Now I’m suspicious by nature, the light and love doesn’t work in my world view or life, my problem is more with the other view, I’m too paranoid for this already, how can I go on in my path like this? It makes me feel lost, afraid of everyone, everything and hopeless.
I like the balanced realistic view, They are people, not human but people, this is life, like people and life, there is good, bad, gray and everything else, work on your boundaries, have self-respect and limits, take risks too, you will fail, you will succeed, you can do everything right and get into problems, you can make mistakes and get it right or do nothing and never live, the Powers are not perfect, They are greater, powerful, wiser and all of that but not perfect and still people, maybe that’s a good thing for us.
The same counts for G., that’s why I took the risk, my instincts were telling me okay, my thoughts were telling me okay, so far I have no regrets.
He could have messed with my head, instincts, my feelings, heart or any combination above, They can do that, especially make you unable to see what you most need to be aware of when things are dangerous, but I’m being careful with my trust, He has to prove Himself to me and I think I have to prove myself to Him. We take our time.
He has watched and protected me and taught me, I don’t know for how long He has done this.
He appeared as a deer, a stag, a horned man covered in shadows, a younger man with antlers, as a half man half animal “monster”, I write monster but for me He was handsome and I have some of monster within myself, it was familiar and safe.
He scares me a little, I fear that spirit everyone warns about that will harm you and trick you.
One thing I don’t understand is why expecting Powers to always have interests is a proof of selfishness or distrust, I’m sorry to say but everyone is like that, the greater saint has their own inner motivations, this is nature, but apparently few think like that. I’m getting off topic, this is a subject for another post.
Both Y. the qilin who I know for longer and the Queen Mother of the West have not stopped this and They have rules about where can I go and Who can I deal with, I’m learning to trust and I’m learning to love, while still fighting the process on my way.