Tag Archive | devotional polytheism

Fallow times.

I’m going through a painful fallow time brought upon a relapse on my mental health. A writer’s block has become a unwanted companion as well, I’m mostly on Tumblr where I can express myself more freely or with the reblog of other people’s words.
It’s been difficult to say the least, constant changes in medications and treatments left me more unbalanced.

This affected my relationships with my Gods and Spirits, making me feel shame of who I am, of how little I have to offer and how I lack qualities.

I wonder why did they chose me or accepted me, did they really?

I can’t imagine being loved or important to anyone, not by humans, less by Gods.

I love my Gods and it hurts.

I worry I will be abandoned or worse, it was never real.

Lately I doubt myself, about everything.

Yet I still remember my Stag King’s presence in my childhood, while my mind was saved by escaping far away, I remember my Brother, kind and fierce and protective, I remember meeting the Mother and behind all the authority I felt Her care and a warm heart who carries the weight of world on Her shoulders.

I remember Them and I will sustain that quiet devotion of keeping the love I feel for Them alive in my heart until I recover more of my health, this is what I have to offer and I hope it is accepted.

Pendant doubts.

I recently got a pendant that features the antlered figure from the Gundestrup Cauldron, I know it’s normally called Cernunnos and used as a symbol of the God Cernunnos, some who use it may be more invested in seeing all or most Gods with antlers as the same, not only as the Horned God of wicca but as archetype or the same God in different areas.

I have so far experienced those Gods as different, I believe I am a hard polytheist if I’m using the name correctly. Sometimes I believe that Gods are the same with different names but in rare cases.
It’s complicated, like all Divine things are.

Anyway, I thought about using this pendant for G. (who looks like to be Herne the Hunter) since for what I can find there were no names on the Cauldron, but all I can find is info about people saying They are all the same and no opinion about someone that wants to use it for this purpose.

Is this right? Or is that pendant too associated with Cernunnos to be used for someone else? I know it’s not Herne, but can it be used as a symbol of an antlered God?

There is also the possibility that I’m going to be involved with Cernunnos Himself in the future, it looks like my personal pantheon decided and informed this to me, this is one more reason why G. is not Cernunnos, at least for me, both were at the same place, Cernunnos was at a certain distance judging me or something (not the right time to meet Him They said) and G. was close, They felt very different.

Maybe that pendant would be of better use to Cernunnos in the future?

Which means getting a new one with some money and no idea of what to get, at least soon I will make the prayer beads with an antler as a focal bead for G..

Wk 4- Feb. 23- Depression, distrust, devotion, compassion, companionship, confidence.

This post is very personal and written more by free association to discuss a very important thing in my life, a mental health crisis that lead me to a crisis of faith in the middle of important and confusing changes in my spiritual life, please excuse any flaws in my unpolished writing.
I had this is in my drafts for a while and this week TPE helped to bring the courage to publish it, I had to change since it was written in the present self and now it’s on the past.

I have multiple mental illness and they are all resistant to treatment, I’m constantly changing medication, why is that important? Because those disabilities and changes affect me and my religion and the last one end up badly, my shrines were empty, I felt like a traitor, I felt betrayed and alone.

– Why are you not here?

I was mentally shouting, I asked for no healing or miracle or right medications, I asked for their presence, company.

– Are we not family? Didn’t you said you would stay by my side?

I felt abandoned and unworthy, mostly I blamed myself, I had left my depression turn me isolated and never prayed, never talked to Them or anyone else, never visited Them or their shrine, notions such as purification brought only shame which in turn made me avoid Them more, I was a failure as a devotee.
(Sshh, They were in my mind almost all day and night, my love for Them was still just as strong, my anger at Them was the same as the anger I felt for my parents and loved ones, the kind that is not serious and not really anger but fear in disguise, I kept looking for images of Them, kept the e-shrines, I never left Them behind and I’m sure I was once told my mind is capable of great devotion, I focus in what and who I love and treasure them deeply, They said it’s enough).

It wasn’t Their fault, all the anger turned to me when I notice how I disappointed Them. (Did I really? Never heard Them say that and I believe it, all the positivity can be screaming in my ears and I will throw away as self talk, funny how that works).

Suddenly I was looking to one of mine John O’Donohue books, looking for something originally for my mother and it opened in a page on the Prayer chapter, since I have a fascination with prayer, the book is on my List and I like the author so I decided to take a longer look:

From Eternal Echoes

A Blessing:

May you be blessed in the Holy Names of those who 
carry our pain up the mountain of transfiguration.
May you know tender shelter and healing blessing when 
you are called to stand in the place of pain.
May the places of darkness within you 
be turned towards the light.
May you be granted the wisdom to avoid false resistance 
and when suffering knocks on the door of your life,
May you be able to glimpse its hidden gift.
May you be able to see the fruits of suffering.
May memory bless and shelter you with the hard-earned
light of the past travail, may this 
give you confidence and trust.
May a window of light always surprise you.
May the grace of transfiguration heal your wounds.
May you know that even though the storm might rage
yet not a hair of your head will be harmed.

John O’Donohue – Eternal Echoes

I felt Their voices in that prayer.

This prayer hit me several times, it kept appearing and I avoided it’s meaning.

Suddenly I remembered being half asleep and They talked about/to me, I heard Mother’s voice and Their presence:

– Pela dor, ela vai agir, ela voltará para nós e acolheremos sua raiva.  (By pain, they will act, they will come back to us and we will welcome their anger.)

I felt good then, I feel good now, I also feel like a silly child and They were kindly laughing at me, and waiting with understanding.

There were other signs, other messages, it’s hard to see and feel when you are taken by despair. Most unbelievable of all was the pride They said recently They feel about me, while also expecting me to grow and do better my failures and considered just more attempts.

I have cleaned my shrines, they are full again, but the Powers are in my life with shrines or not.

They didn’t cause my pain but saw what I could take from it, They helped me endure it, from suffering there are fruits and They tried to show me but it was painful and denial is a strong emotion.

This was not the consequences of chosen shadow work or chaos of a possible step in a spiral of healing, it came suddenly and took me by surprise into a fog of sadness and I felt lost, I couldn’t and wouldn’t see any gain from it, and sometimes there isn’t, sometimes pain is just pain, or we don’t have what we need at the moment to learn but for me there was more in that pain, even if that more was hope and trust, to see the thorn from past trauma that took advantage of my medication changes and prolonged my pain, and to see that my past and disabilities never made me unworthy or unwanted, both the Powers and corporeal people in my life were there for me.

The Powers knew I would survive when I didn’t and They showed me when I run away, for that I am thankful and have Them in my life.

I still wish to get better from the worse part of the depression, this relapse felt like the worse in my depression from many years ago, I still fear going back there again, but I’m learning to cope better, I knew more this time than at my crisis as a teenager, I have hope now and I have grown.

I know some refuse to see any Power in that light and say religion is not therapy but I wanted to show that religion is a relationship between us and Them, that this is also possible and that this is one side of how our relationships can be, I also serve Them, make sacrifices and other things that are also part of relationships but with less explanations, more mystery and chalenges.

In the end, I am thankful.

The Pagan Experience – Wk 2- Feb. 9- Earth

The prompt for this pagan experience week is earth.

I have been doing something I never thought I would be able to, I’m taking a new spiritual practice of walking in the woods as a devotional activity for G. (who apparently is deciding to show who he is).

I’m actually getting out of the house, covering my hair as by their suggestion and because it helps, picking up my cane and going, and I like it.

For most people this would be easy but not for me, not only my depression makes having motivation a battle there is also fibromyalgia pain and lack of energy, a few other problems and my shameful secret that few have felt compassion for, I have severe entomophobia, that means, phobia of insects and similar animals.

Most don’t take that phobia seriously, many laugh, some are confused, the one who respects and feels genuine compassion is a rare creature.

My phobia is severe enough to give me contant panic, anxiety, locks me inside the house with paranoia of the bugs who might be inside too, it’s connected to child sexual abuse in my mind and to my PTSD, it’s not just the “girly” fear of bugs everyone has (that should also be respected).

Now can you think of a place where there will be insects? The woods, the trees, nature, places I love and fear and where my Lord is.

I didn’t always feared insects, I admired those small fascinating animals, I watched them when younger, life was truly everywhere and I respect them, bad things happened, I lost that.

Now I walk on the earth of the woods, I see them there but I also feel the presence of my spiritual family, here especially G., I see insects and spiders and other animals that crawl on the earth and trees and dead leaves and I’m again reminded that life is everywhere, I feel fear and fascination, I feel G. presence like a gift and a warmth energy walking with me, not a serious but a casual comfortable presence, we talk like friends and I lose a little of my fear of authority and increase my respect for Him.

There I feel the earth, I always felt disconnected from earth but His presence reminds me of it, just like the the Queen and Y. remind me of sky, air and stars, G. is earth and wood and majestic animals and insects that crawl under the leaves and inside the trees and worlds in our own world that we can’t see but are there, My Lord, if it’s right to call G. that, is earth, connects me to earth and brings me courage to walk on it again.

Beginnings… and I will try, try and try again.

I spend more time thinking than doing, too much time inside my own head without interacting with others, both corporeal as non-corporeal people, I have problems trying to have conversations even if I deeply want and need them, this affects my life in so many ways but right now I will focus on my spiritual life, that is not so clearly kept apart from the rest, everything intersects, I don’t pray easily, I don’t talk to the Gods and spirits in my life as much as I want and need and I assume they know me better than they should considering my lack of communication, maybe they do, possibly a lot more than a human does but they are not all-knowing and rationally I don’t expect them too.

I wish to change, it helps me and enriches my life to invite them in to my life, their presence changes me for better, whatever painful challenges they brought were what I had to go through at my life, it was something that I couldn’t avoid if I wanted to learn to live, I was living in a cage and the door could no longer be open with a key, they helped and are helping me break the cage from the inside out with strength I didn’t know I had.

I have been surviving for so long and without knowing a time of peace and serenity in my life that is hard to live, to have relationships with others, it’s hard to know if this is worthy of the pain of trying, because I have been trying for many years and I am tired but now I’m also longing to be free, it’s no longer a simple lonely battle for surviving a little longer, now even with all my challenges, wounds and painful issues, it’s a time to recognize my freedom and life, my own worth as a person, I believe the Powers in my life have decided to show me that I am worthy of them, that I am accepted while also expected to change for better now that I’m no longer trapped in a cage, they are compassionate and understand my hardships, I live with disabilities, physical and mental pain, my depression and PTSD make everything harder, what happened in my life can’t be erased, they have compassion, they have anger with the unfairness of it all (and were the first to openly display it), but they know I must change, they will wait with patience and force me on my own way because I’m probably too slow for my own good and like many others I avoid changing, especially painful changes, but it must happen eventually, I need to trust more, talk more, let them get to know me and get to know them as well, like in any relationship, I need to move from the stagnation I find myself in and work towards what I want, this is a long process and I can see the beginning, now I need to take the first steps.

Start

I am beginning a new path, I am trying new things and I’m not sure where this will lead me.
I wish to write to see if it will help me know myself and my journey, I know this will come with many insecurities, mistakes, learning and attempts, I’m just starting, I have to admit I know too little about what I’m doing, if you read this hoping for knowledge, quality or experience you are on the wrong place, but I need to grow in my practice and it’s impossible without actually practicing, waiting and expecting to feel confident without doing anything will get me nowhere.

I’m a perfectionist and fear judgement from anyone, those are battles I must fight in my spiritual life and in everything else, I learned that my religion inspires me to change and grow in my life and as a person because they all intersect so I hope this will change me, for myself and the Powers I follow since I can’t do anything for them without first helping myself.
This is my personal journal, this is my communication to my Powers, this is me trying honestly to advance in what they expect of me and what I want for myself.
This is my commitment, my new beginning for something that started a long time ago.