The prompt for this pagan experience week is earth.
I have been doing something I never thought I would be able to, I’m taking a new spiritual practice of walking in the woods as a devotional activity for G. (who apparently is deciding to show who he is).
I’m actually getting out of the house, covering my hair as by their suggestion and because it helps, picking up my cane and going, and I like it.
For most people this would be easy but not for me, not only my depression makes having motivation a battle there is also fibromyalgia pain and lack of energy, a few other problems and my shameful secret that few have felt compassion for, I have severe entomophobia, that means, phobia of insects and similar animals.
Most don’t take that phobia seriously, many laugh, some are confused, the one who respects and feels genuine compassion is a rare creature.
My phobia is severe enough to give me contant panic, anxiety, locks me inside the house with paranoia of the bugs who might be inside too, it’s connected to child sexual abuse in my mind and to my PTSD, it’s not just the “girly” fear of bugs everyone has (that should also be respected).
Now can you think of a place where there will be insects? The woods, the trees, nature, places I love and fear and where my Lord is.
I didn’t always feared insects, I admired those small fascinating animals, I watched them when younger, life was truly everywhere and I respect them, bad things happened, I lost that.
Now I walk on the earth of the woods, I see them there but I also feel the presence of my spiritual family, here especially G., I see insects and spiders and other animals that crawl on the earth and trees and dead leaves and I’m again reminded that life is everywhere, I feel fear and fascination, I feel G. presence like a gift and a warmth energy walking with me, not a serious but a casual comfortable presence, we talk like friends and I lose a little of my fear of authority and increase my respect for Him.
There I feel the earth, I always felt disconnected from earth but His presence reminds me of it, just like the the Queen and Y. remind me of sky, air and stars, G. is earth and wood and majestic animals and insects that crawl under the leaves and inside the trees and worlds in our own world that we can’t see but are there, My Lord, if it’s right to call G. that, is earth, connects me to earth and brings me courage to walk on it again.